Out of the mouths of babes…

I have spent months pondering and pontificating this journey of adoption.

My blog posts rarely lack a well-placed modifier or an annoyingly lengthy run-on sentence.  Perhaps you have politely skimmed my 8o0 word posts, wondering all the while when my stream of consciousness writing would morph into rational, logical, succinct thought.

This time I will spare you my sordid thinking and slippery slopes.  This time I have gotten permission from one of my all-time favorite authors to post her profound and simple thoughts regarding adoption.  The words that touched my heart this week are those of my eight-year-old daughter.

Yesterday resembled most any other day in our home.  I stood at the kitchen sink, rinsing thermoses of half eaten lunches.  My budding artist sat at the kitchen table with half a rainforest’s worth of paper in front of her and a jar of colored pencils.

“Mommy,” she said.  “What should I write about?”

“Ummmm, I don’t know. Whatever you want,”  I said, distracted by some mystery goo at the bottom of my son’s lunchbox.

“Well, I want to write a story.  Just give me a title for inspiration.”

“Ummmm, why don’t you write about Halloween or something…”  I muttered half-heartedly.

“Nevermind!” she retorted with a wry smile.  “I have an idea! Don’t look until I’m all finished.”

No problem.  I’ve got plenty of things to keep me occupied.  I’m just counting my blessings that you are finally occupied!

That night, as my husband crawled into bed he wondered aloud about the crinkled papers under his pillow.  Oh! I smiled.  Brynn wrote a book today.  She must have left it for us to find.

Here is the gift we received:

A book with a title that had me at “hello.”

Each chapter covered but one page.  Few words, much heart.

Chapter Two stopped me in my tracks with it’s simple title, “feelings.”

“Here are some of the feelings I have for adopting.  I am very scared to have 2 more siblings.  I am also neverious.  I am sad to have our family change.  My body just feels really excited to get a brother and a sister! 🙂 I will have 1 sister and 2 brothers.  Scared, neverious, sad, and excited.  All those feelings mixed together make the word adoption to me.”

Sweet girl, I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Our file still sits on the desk of an Ethiopian judge.  We wait for her to make the required revision before our agency can try, yet again, to submit our paperwork to the US Embassy to start the journey of obtaining immigration visas for our children.

We are not alone in this unpredictable and lengthy journey of international adoption. Many families find themselves waiting longer than expected half a world away. Waiting to hold our children in our arms on US soil.

Kelel and Seniet have actually been moved back to their original care center in Northern Ethiopia.  This move is certainly not ideal and was definitely not anticipated.  Unfortunately, it was a decision made for the “greater good.”  The orphan situation in Ethiopia is dire as many care centers find themselves unable to feed the children and babies in their care.  Our agency recently accepted 13 new babies due to a neighboring orphange’s food shortage.  Babies clinging to life, needing formula, needing arms to hold them.

Prayers are appreciated.  Prayers are paramount.  Words whispered between my Father and me are my lifeline.  They sustain and encourage us one day at a time.

May the God of the universe hold us all in the palm of his hand, supernaturally weaving our hearts together, creating a tapestry of unconditional love that surpasses any other feeling.

Our story is His story.  An Adoption Story.

The Threshold of Letting Go

Have you ever stood on the threshold of something big?  Something mysterious? Something unknown?

The silence on this side of the threshold can be deafening.  Your heart pounds.  Your mind swirls with the undercurrent of perplexing questions, paralyzing fear.  Should I open the door and walk through it?  What if the people on the other side all stop and stare?  Or worse yet, what if they don’t notice me at all?  What if I fail or just fade into the background?

It’s the feeling of being compelled towards a new journey, catching your breath at the edge of the precipice, ready to step.  Rather, wanting to step into this new found excitement of following a dream, but wondering if there is a safety net ready to cushion the fall – just in case. There is unexplainable comfort in being suspended between two worlds.  Between the known and the unknown.

The known world is just that – known.  It may not be pretty but it is comfortable and I can “do” comfortable.  It’s sort of like looking longingly at those stylish new platform shoes, wishing I was bold enough to wear them.  Wanting to be “that girl,” turning heads on every corner.  Instead I default to the comfy standbys because, after all, what if the weather turns and the car stalls and I need to get out and walk several miles for help?  I certainly can’t get anywhere fast in those cute shoes — at least not without incurring bunions and blisters along the way.  No. I’ll stick with the old ones.  Not cute, but definitely practical and they go with everything.   Sadly, everyone knows style choices made in the good name of all things “practical” turn you into the next best candidate for a “friendly” make-over ambush on TLC’s “What Not to Wear.”

We have been standing at the threshold of this adoption journey for a little over a year now.  Excited about the dream,  but nervous about the outcome.  A year of revved up emotion, spiritual adrenaline, perplexing questions and even, paralyzing fear.  That kind of emotional roller coaster can wear a girl out!

As I sift through journal entry after journal entry chronicling the past year of my life, I am acutely aware of one continuous theme:  I am a closet control freak!

Some of you may roll your eyes and say, “You?  No way, you are calm, cool and collected.  The consummate picture of composure.”  But those of you who have glimpsed my dark side, will stand and cheer and say, “Finally!  We have a break through.  Name it and claim it. That’s the first step to healing.  It’s about time she called a spade a spade.”

Flexibility is my middle name when it comes to matters of little consequence.  Dirty dishes in the sink all day — no problem! I’ll do those when I get home.  A missed flight to Maui — no problem!  More time for me to putter around the airport people watching and drinking lattes.  We’ll get there tomorrow.  But, relying on God’s timing regarding a major transformational shift in our family structure?  Now that’s asking a lot.

As days morph into weeks and weeks morph into months, I find myself continuing to guard my heart. Holding my heart on the edge of this threshold, wanting to let go, wanting to fall head over heels in love with two sweet souls waiting half way around the world for our return.  But it feels so scary.  What if something goes wrong?  What if the whole thing falls through?  What if they never learn to love me the way I love them?  Nothing is more painful  than unrequited love.  My heart sits on the edge of this threshold hesitant and unsure.  Author Ken Gire describes this part of our human journey as going, “from threshold to threshold with something pulling us forward and something pulling us back.”

Today we sit on the edge of this threshold, between receiving our Ethiopian court decree and waiting for the US Embassy to give us the green light to return to Ethiopia to pick up our children.  I watch some adoption cases breeze through fairly quickly and think, “Wait a minute!  How did that happen so fast?” While other cases tarry beyond any reasonable sense of time and I think, “Oh, dear God. I don’t know if I could endure that heartache.  Please be with those people.” Quickly trying to protect my heart from being pulled in to yet another difficult story.

But God didn’t give me that “out.” He asks me to be fully present in mind, body and spirit.  Fully present with my husband, my kids, my neighbors and friends.  Fully present in His world.  That includes the children who are not under my roof at the moment.  The ones God has entrusted to me now.  Though I can’t hold them in body.  I hold them in my heart.  And, that is a tenuous place to be.

Sarah Young, author of Jesus Calling, describes my plight perfectly.  Channeling God’s heart she writes:

Trust me enough to let things happen without striving to predict or control them.  Relax (key word for little old me!), and refresh yourself in the Light of My everlasting Love.  My Love-Light never dims, yet you are often unaware of My radiant Presence.  When you project yourself into the future, rehearsing what you will do or say, you are seeking to be self-sufficient: to be adequate without My help.  This is a subtle sin — so common that it usually slips by unnoticed.

The alternative is to live fully in the present, depending on Me each moment.  Rather than fearing your inadequacy, rejoice in My abundant supply.  Train your mind to seek My help continually, even when you feel competent to handle something by yourself.  Don’t divide your life into things you can do by yourself and things that require My help.  Instead, learn to rely on Me in every situation.  This discipline will enable you to enjoy life more and to face each day confidently.”

So, in confidence, I step out.  Over the edge.  Into Christ’s glorious love. I don’t need Casey to “guard and protect my heart” (I know,  shameful “Bachelorette” reference!!).

I am held by the One who holds the world in His hands.  Yes, the world.  I think I can let go now….

Could you do me a favor and help me release those white knuckles? 🙂